Friday, 21 January 2011

Activated charcoal knickers... please!

'er indoors, who very rarely is, has the most gad awful wind!

I'm not saying this just to be rude; I feel like I've got to justify myself as I've often been accused of smelling like a skunk - she takes the biscuit. Not only does she smell like a skunk she smells like a skunk crawled up there a month or two back and died due to the existing smell, adding it's own distinctive aroma to the original stench.

I'm saying this because, thanks to my insomnia, I was up at 03:30hrs working, I finished what I was doing at about 06:30hrs and decided to get a little more sleep.

I might have said this before but the feel of getting into a nice warm bed and spooning next to a lovely warm body is just about the best thing in the world to me.

I was loving it this morning as it'd got a little cold while I was up and the throw was atop the bed as well as the monstrous quilt but then...

A quick eruption of gas were not only heard, but felt on my upper legs. I'm not sure why - perhaps it's some sort of masochistic streak or something - but I wafted the quilt in order to sample the bouquet. How I wish I hadn't!

I remember as a kid getting into my parents bed when I was little on a Saturday morning and being somewhat comforted by the smell of my parents. This wasn't that smell!

This smell was almost indescribable in it's vileness, in fact it was indescribable! Imagine the worst smell you've ever smelt and double it and you'll be getting close!

As I'm gagging she starts to chortle and says, "You shouldn't have put your cold legs on mine"! She took no notice of my reasoning about reasonable force and continued to giggle!

Quickly clamping the quilt down I decided that that was that and I wasn't disturbing the quilt again as there was no way I was going to submit myself to that again! I was going to submit to voluntary cataplexy or some sort of self-induced sleep paralysis rather than risk a waft of that evil smell again. I was trying to calculate how long before the stench had either evaporated or been absorbed by the bedding (or eaten it's way into my pores) when a further two eruptions occurred! I wasn't aware that I could grab material that hard but there was no way I was going to relinquish my hold on the quilt, there was no way that more of the miasma was going to escape when...

"I'm getting up now, are you stopping there?", and it - and her - escaped!

Helped me get back to sleep for an hour though, I'm only grateful that I woke again at all!