Monday, 23 September 2019

She said, he thought

This has been rattling around in my head for a while so I thought I'd best get it written. It's basically the reason why I shouldn't try relaxation.

She said, “Breath in,” then waited for my huge inhalation to finish and paused for a beat before saying, “breath out”. Again she waited for my chest to shrink, then my belly to implode, before again saying, “Breath in”, waiting while I inhaled and again pausing for a beat before telling me to exhale.

This repeated for about half a dozen times before she said, “Breath normally”. I did as I was told, but noted that my breathing was much deeper and slower than before.

She said, “Empty your mind”. Nice idea but utterly impossible. Or maybe not even a nice idea… where would I be without the whirling maelstrom of chaos rolling around in my head?

She said, “Imagine you’re walking through the grass...” So I did and wondered what the weather was like.

“It’s a warm and sunny day and you’re barefoot” Okay, I can live with that. I can live with it as long as there’s no dog shit on the grass… I guess there isn’t or this wouldn’t be relaxing… trying to avoid stepping in shit and then going for a Burton and landing on my arse would be a pain, especially if I managed to land in the shite.

“You step from the grass onto the sand by the sea.” Ah, bugger. It’s the grass like pampas grass, isn’t it? The stuff on dunes which is sharp as anything and likely to lacerate my feet, still, thankfully I’m in the sand now. Let’s hope there’s no dog shit or broken glass or some slimy seaweed in the sand now. That’d be just my luck, wouldn’t it? Perhaps I could slide on the seaweed and then manage to land in dogshit… and broken glass! When did I have my last Tetanus injection again?

“You step into the warm sea.” Where is this? It’s not local if the sea is warm… are there jellyfish or sea urchins here? Do I need sunscreen? She said it was warm before… I’ll get a burnt head!

“You see a rock standing in the sea.” A rock? How big is the rock? Are we looking at a pebble here or something more substantial? Am I gonna have to avoid it with my bare feet, as well as avoiding the jellyfish and sea urchins? It’s warm though, isn’t it? I’m sure she said it was warm… happen it’s Australia where everything is trying to kill you! There could be sharks or a manta ray - I’ll end up getting stuck on the tail of the manta ray, bleeding and then the sharks will come and I’ll be buggered! All while being covered in dog shit with a broken bottle stuck out my back!

“You climb the roc.k” Ah, it’s not a pebble, it’s a bit bigger! Wonder how big? Am I gonna be climbing for a while? I do hope not: I’m not as young as I once was and I’m not sure my belly will allow for any major climbing elegance… perhaps it’s the South China seas and the rock is like the island where Goldfinger had his super, secret weapon? That was huge though wasn’t it? I’ll be climbing all bloody day!

“You sit on the top of the rock.” OK, guess it’s not that big… something like that lass was marooned on when the sharks started circling… are the sharks here now, did I manage to cut my feet on the razor grass or broken glass, or are they attracted by dog shit in the water? Also, rocks aren’t all that comfortable, this is gonna kill my arse after a while. Am I even gonna be here a while, should I ask if I can put my hat on?

1 comment:

  1. That was totally hysterical Dominic - I was asking one of my cats to bring me tena lady knickers, but he refused because I haven't actually got any!