Wednesday, 11 October 2006


So it’s about 11 o'clock and I’ve been asleep no more than an hour and a quarter after dropping the boys off at school. I'm picking 'em up at quarter past 3 and I'll need a bit of time in order to wake properly so I'll be up at half past two. I'm well groggy and knackered as you can imagine.

There's a bump from above and I can hear at least two people talking, then there's the pitter-patter of someone walking above me and a crack of wood followed by a louder bump of someone jumping down onto the back of the boat... no more than 6 feet away from where I'm slowly waking and getting increasingly concerned that someone's trying to break in.

What's to do? I could phone the police but I could be dead in my bed before they get here. So I decide to confront whoever it is, thing is: It was warm and I’m sleeping nekkid!

Two things are running through my head. The first is that if I'm to confront someone then the element of surprise is key and getting up and going to the other end of the boat in order to grab my clothes and put 'em on is going to alert them that someone is aboard. The second is that if I'm to confront someone there'll be nothing more frightening than me nekkid and screaming like a banshee!

So I've decided to go at 'em nekkid and that's what I do. Jumping from my bed, in a fashion which isn't all that bad for someone who's only just had a little sleep, I rush at the door and fling it back growling fit to scare off a tiger and there's a fish in the doorway.

Holding the fish is a Polish chap, he's got his finger wedged in the bit under its jaw and has obviously been happily whacking the shite out of it with a couple of bits of wood from the roof of the boat. He doesn't bat an eye at me and smiling says:

"Sorry mate. Fish!"

And remember: Nothing tastes as good as thing feels (This is not my sentiment it's just an image I've been playing with TBH.)

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